she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
