Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
