Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
ttyl tear gas
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
