you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
