im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cat gives me a boner
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
