I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
