To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
