It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
