you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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