According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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