Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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