I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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