i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
