You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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