Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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