Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
