i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
