Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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