I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
