I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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