Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
