Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
