Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
