Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
