coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's shark week go big or go home
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
