tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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