He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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