So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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