if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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