this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
