dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Fuck appropriateness.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
