I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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