i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
