i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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