and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I deserve to be covered in dicks
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
