My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
