its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
