Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
