this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
