I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
