You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
