I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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