I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
