I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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