My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
