Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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