The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
