I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
