Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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