Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
