His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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