I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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