If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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