she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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