I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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