How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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