this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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