Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
