3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
