It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
